Three weeks ago I re-aggravated my cervical (C 4-5) disc in my neck. I have been battling back and neck pain for the last 5 years, going to physical therapy three times a week(for the past 3 years), injections (in the first year of the injury), and constant core fitness every other day. To say the least, it has been exhausting, but I was getting better. I believe the my former body-builder discipline helped me stick with physical therapy as long as I did to help the process.
But then, WAM! BAM! - this intense pain kicked back in out of nowhere. I had to go to the emergency room for the pain, get a new MRI, and get two bottles of pain medication. And here I am now, still struggling with the discomfort (although better than I was in the emergency room), on-and-off again numbness in my arms, and struggling mentally/emotionally with this pain.
What's next? I'm waiting to see the neuro-surgeon next week and get her opinion on my new MRI. In the meantime, I am coming to grips with this "PAIN." I believe it would be fare to say that none of us like being in pain (a no-brainer). However, what I am learning is that "pain" whether physical, emotional, or spiritual is going to be a real part of each of our lives at some point. My new saying is, "you better make room in your theology for pain." Few experiences in life are more universal than pain. However, people's response to pain vary as colors on a color wheel. Some people learn to cope with pain, some digress and lose hope, and some endure and triumph over their pain. I hope to be the person who can endure, and have the courage to triumph over this pain.
My prayer: I have had variety of responses to the pain in the past few weeks (anger, tears, sadness, fearful and afraid, to having faith and hope). I have conversed with Jesus on a daily basis, and have cried out to God to have mercy on me. Psalm 91 has been my foundation. I have asked the Lord for many things: courage to face reality, offered my pain to Him, prayed for strength to endure, asked for a miracle of healing, humbly asked to help me accept His will, and even learned to adore Him in the pain.
What I am learning in the pain:
- I believe that when we are in pain, it is an opportunity to get to trust in God (I have come to grips with how little a person trusts in God, until your in pain and really have to trust in God).
- I believe that it is possible to live well with pain (we have two choices - we either learn to master pain or it masters us).
- I believe that God whispers to us in our comforts, but speaks loudly to us in our pain. Meaning, I have heard the Lord speak to me more clearly on issues of my heart and soul during this time of pain than I probably have in the last 5 to 6 years.
- I have experienced a revival of compassion for those who are hurting and experiencing pain. The sensitivity in my heart to those who are hurting around me is awakened and alive. Being a pastor can be an occupational hazard at times. As a pastor you are around a lot of people's pain and hurt, therefore, a person can become numb (like the numbness I experiencing in my arms) to the pain of those around you. A person can become desensitized to individual's pain and hurt. Well, God has breathed new life into my soul for those who are hurting around me.
- Forgiveness. Life is short, and so very fragile and sensitive. It took one little nerve in my back to make me weep like a baby in pain. During this time of pain, I have come to grips with the essential need to forgive those who have hurt me in the past. I know if I desire to become physically healthy, it is essential that my soul is ridden of the poison of bitterness. I am making a conscious choice to forgive those I need to forgive.
- How much I appreciate my wife and those who pray for you. My wife has been a very good friend to me during this time (kicked my butt when I wanted to get depressed and just sit, and loved and prayed for me when I was really hurting). And for those who have been praying for me - - I thank you from the depths of my heart.
I hope and pray that in my next phase of the ministry that God calls me to that I will not have these back problems as an issue. I really do believe God is a healing God, and that in the name of Jesus my back 9c-4-5 discs) is healed. I know soon, I will able to proclaim about the goodness and greatness of God's healing power in my life. I really love the Lord Jesus and pray for an outpouring of His blessing on my life and family. Isaiah 53:5, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." I hope to have a testimony soon about the love and healing power of Jesus Christ in my life.
Pray for me, thank you!
