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The Strings of People-Pleasing

People-please-rs “want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D. 

The Apostle Paul dealt with the challenge of becoming a people-pleaser, he said, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." 

The challenge to shed our need to "people please" will be a catalyst for many of us, in the pursuit of finding our "true selves." Finding our true selves strikes at the core of true spirituality. Many of us have no idea who we really are, and in return feel very "un-spiritual," because we have spent our lives trying to please others.  

People pleasing is exhausting! It can feel crushing at times! We spend our lives not wanting to disappoint those around us, and in return we internally burnout.  

Anyone in leadership who engages in a life of people-pleasing will not last long emotionally or spiritually. However, it's the temptation every leader goes through at some point on the journey. When we submit to this temptation of becoming man-pleasers, we end up hallow on the inside, and not living in our own soul. 

Jesus knew what is was like to feel the pressure from the expectations of others.  In living faithfully to his true self, however, Jesus disappointed a lot of people. Jesus knew who he was, and what he was here to do in his mission. Jesus remained faithful to the Father, and not to the expectations of others.

Jesus, living in his self (taken from the book, Daily Office, by Peter Scazzero)

• He disappointed his family to the point where his mother and siblings woundered if he was out of his mind (Mark 3:21). 

• He disappointed the people he grew up with in Nazareth. When Jesus declared who he really was - the Messiah - they tried to throw him off a cliff (Luke 4:28-29).

• He disappointed his closest friends, the 12 disciples. The projected things onto him about what they wanted him to do and be. When he failed to meet their expectations they quit on him.

• He disappointed the crowds who followed him. They wanted an earthly Messiah who would feed them, fix all there problems, overthrow the Roman oppressors, work miracles, and give inspiring sermons. They walked away from him.

• He disappointed the religious leaders. 

What might be one specific way that you give in to the expectations of others rather than be faithful to what Jesus has for you? 

4 Great Questions to Ask Great Leaders

I recently was encouraged to interview someone whom I considered to have a high leadership lid. Ideally, a person that I have observed in leadership action before. I also considered this person to have a leadership lid that seems unlimited? I asked this person the following question:

1. When did you first see yourself as a leader?
2. What are some of the greatest challenges you’ve faced as a leader?
3. What has contributed to your growth as a leader?
4. What are you currently doing to your growth as a leader? 

 

What happens when leaders keep people in the dark?

In his book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, John Maxwell talks briefly about the power of being open and authentic in your leadership.  Good leadership says, its critical to be open, intentional, honest and authentic in our leadership. The result of this would be that people would trust and understand us.  However, there are leaders who choose not to model such “openness” and “authenticity” in there leadership.  U.S. Navy captain Mike Abrashoff observes, “Some leaders feel that by keeping people in the dark, they maintain a measure of control.  But that is a leader’s folly and an organization’s failure.  Secrecy spawns isolation, not success.”

U.S. Navy captain Mike Abrashoff points to the fact that anytime employees sense that information is being kept from them, and that they don't have a part in the decision making process that helps achieve the organization’s best interest, they will end up feeling frustrated and like an outsider. As a result of this frustration, staff moral drops, trust is compromised, and staff performance wains.

Why is it that leaders tend to withhold information and or keep employees in the dark?  John Maxwell would point to leadership ego and control as the "why." Maxwell says, “Leaders tend to want control and think, ‘I don’t want other to know what I know or feel.”  It that is true, it is critical in our leadership to fight our ego and need for control.  Truth be told, many leaders struggle with leadership ego and control. 

What is the effect of leadership isolation, ego and control (keeping thing in the dark) on staff? The subordinate lament would say, “We the uninformed, working for the inaccessible, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful!” Many people who work in organizations where leaders withhold information (keep people in the dark) end up feeling very frustrated. 

John Maxwell says the good leaders fight the need to isolate themselves, and they don’t deliberately keep their staff in the dark on important decisions. Good leaders inform people, and make their staff a part of what’s going on, and include them in important decision making whenever possible. 

 

Churches and Cracker Jacks. What can we learn?

How many of you remember eating Cracker Jack growing up? The carmel corn was solid-and I remember highly anticipating the magical prize at the bottom of the sticky-carmel box. Getting the surprise in the box of caremlized popcorn enhanced my love for Cracker Jacks popcorn.  Cracker Jack had consistent great popcorn and always had the fun surprise inside the box! The Cracker Jack brand will go down in history for its consistent tasty popcorn and the ability to create the power of surprise. 

What churches (or businesses) can learn from Cracker Jacks (questions and comments):

SURPRISE AND FUN:

• When was the last time you were pleasantly surprised by a business/organization/church?

• Does your organization/business/church have a firm commitment to create an experience of surprise? 

• Do people in your church have a level of expectancy for Sunday? Is there a WOW (COOL) factor being displayed? Or is it the same ol' same ol'? Do you have fun in your church experience? 

• How creative is your staff meetings? Fun? Exciting? Do you have fun on your team? Is there any development opportunities? Creative experience opportunities? 

• Is there any element of surprise in your church? In your team? Start directing surprises at people in your congregation and potential unchurched people, but extend them to coworkers as well.

• How many places you visit seek ways to implement subjective well-being for customers and staff--which, in turn, can have a profound effect on loyalty, community, and profit. 

• A commitment to surprise and delight literally transforms the very nature of work.  What can you do to positively surprise a co-worker? 

CONSISTENCY AND FOLLOW-THROUGH

• Does your church have consistency in the way of excellence in your environments (Sunday, children, youth)? 

• Your brand literally becomes the standard by which other companies are mesured.  WIth consistency comes customer trust. 

• People gain stability when they know that they can depend on having a reliable experience (reliable doesn't mean boring--or you don't ever change). 

• What can you do to enhance the consistency in your church/business, wither on the product or on the serivce front? 

• How can you achieve status as a beloved church? 

• Does your staff/team followthrough on projects, deadlines, and details?

• Does your staff/team pay attention to the details in your organization? 

 

 

 

Tabatha's "Church" Takeover?

DO CHURCHES NEED A TABATHA?

    "I'm tough; I'm talented; I'm taking over,"says Tabatha Coffey, hairstylist, hair salon owner, and host of Tabatha's Salon Takeover on the Bravo network, also says, "everything must change!." It's her bold signature statement at the beginning of every episode of her reality TV show.

    Tabatha, 43, is a petite woman with short blonde hair, an Australian accent, and a strong, made-for-reality-tv personality. She leveraged her hair salon, Industrie Hair Gurus in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Tabatha could be described as, "unfailingly blunt," "a gunslinger with platinum-blond bangs and a dominatrix disposition," and "funny, tells it like it is, a little mean, and she knows what she's talking about!"

    The shows concept is fantastic, simple, yet really effective. Tabatha's job is to come in and basically help rescue failing hair salons. The distressed salons are typically in deep (crap) due to many factors, such as:

1. lack of leadership from owners, 
2. unclear vision from owners, 
3. poor teamwork, 
4. complacent attitudes from both owners and staff/teams, 
5. poor ineffective business strategy from owners, 
6. low staff moral due to being undisciplined and unfocused, 
7. poor customer service, 
8. misalignment of resources, 
9. external and internal messiness, 
10. ineffective branding/advertisement to outreach to customers...all which leads to such deep financial trouble, and the salons are in danger of closing. It could be months or even weeks before they are shut down.

The Process:  Each episode of Tabatha's Salon Takeover begins with Coffey meeting the salon owner. After a brief introduction, which notes the salon location and how long the owner has been in business, they watch hidden-camera footage at the troubled salon.

The Takeover: Tabatha Coffey shows up at the salon. She has a no-nonsense attitude and she can be brutal. Coffey announces she is taking over the salon and takes the owner's keys.  She helps the salon owners and their staff/team to confront the brutal facts and start to taking ownership of the failing salon. Usually, everything must change! She attempts to clean-up management, shakes up the staff, and transforms every part of the salon/business (Do churches need a Tabatha?)

The Inspection: Tabatha is given a tour of the usually messy salon. She finds  external dust, dirt, and hair--or even a huge, dead bugs/rodents--which she deems "unacceptable." The external environment of the salon hasn't been changed in years (sounds like many churches).

Staff Meeting: Tabatha, who has already had a one-on-one meeting alone with the owner to discuss the salon, leads a staff meeting without the owner present. The staff reveal what they think about the owner and the problems at the salon. They are asked to be brutally honest and confront all the brutal facts of the business. The owner is blamed for most of the internal chaos, problems, and lack of leadership.

The Assessment: Tabatha then cancels all the salon hairdresser's appointments for the week, and brings in her own hair models. She wants to get a inside/up close and personal evaluation at the cutting and coloring methods of the staff...how they work. She confronts, criticizes, and engages them openly in front of their clients and teach them the correct techniques.

The Makeover: The hair salon then gets an extreme makeover. Coffey doesn't consult with the owner or staff on their taste in color and decor; she makes all the decisions herself. The layout is changed to make the environment look more spacious, appealing, and contemporary to new clients. The external transformation is awesome:

1. All walls get fresh paint. 
2. Furniture is moved or replaced. 
3. Everything is organized carefully so the salon looks very clean and very professional.

The Reopening: The salon owner and hairdressers have a full work day in their clean, contemorary, new environment. Coffey wants to see which staff have, confronted the brutal facts, listened to her professional leadership advice, and learned what she taught them.

Final Recommendations: The conclusion is a final staff meeting with all parties included. The owner and entire staff are invited to discuss the recommendations, including: firings, promotions, demotions, changes, and probations. Coffey suggests who should be promoted to leadership: be the head stylist and coach other teammates. She also recommends stylists who ned to be put on probation if they are teachable but lack competent skills. 

Surprise Visit: Tabatha returns several weeks later. She evaluates: 

1. Did the changes work?
2. Is there staff synergy?
3. Leadership competency in place?
4. The new business strategy being followed through on?
5. Customer service excellence?
6. Do the owner and staff enjoy working at the salon more than before she changed it? 
7. What is the latest financial situation? 

Tabatha’s Church Takeover:  I wondered how great it would be to have a Tabatha’s Church Takeover show. Where Tabatha comes in and doesn't pull any punches with pastors, staffs, and boards. She would look pastors and church staffs in the eye and calmly but forcefully state her strong opinions about what is not working, and challenge pastors and staffs to quit wasting time on strategies/models/programming that is ineffective and ultimately leading people nowhere. It would be great to have her come in, give her honest, but harsh assessments, so much so, that it might make grown pastors cry. She would probably offend, but ultimately confront pastors and church staffs with the brutal facts and honest truths about either their: lack of leadership skills, unclear vision, mismanagement of time, resources, and people, ineffectiveness programs/strategies—how bad the church operates, or the church staffs lack of teamwork skills, lazy work habits, challenge their ability to be innovative or creative, or the lack of leadership competency.  I could see pastors and staffs get so made they would have thoughts of hitting back with expletives…that’s what maybe needs to happen for churches to change.  There are so many churches that are STUCK in complacency and ineffectiveness.

Imagine what would happen if pastors and church staffs were confronted with the brutal facts of ineffectiveness from Tabatha Coffey, like these hairdressing salons were? Maybe, your church needs a Tabatha "Church" Takeover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning The Art of Challenging the Process

 "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" - Ronald Reagan (Fall of The Berlin Wall).

"Progress is always proceeded by change, and change is always proceeded by challenge. Challenging the status quo is often where leadership begins." - Andy Stanley

     I was listening to a leadership podcast recently that dealt with why leaders need to challenge the process. Challenging the process is a leadership principle that I have embraced the last 10 years in my leadership and ministry.  I do believe if you desire continuous improvement in your organization it will require us to challenge the process. It’s essential to any sort of improvement.  

    Challenging the process hasn't always been easy for me, but I have attempted to embrace and learn the ART of challenging the process...and yes, there is an art to it. If you don't embrace the art of challenging the process you may come to find yourself at odds with your supervisor after you have challenged the process, loss of trust and credibility with your supervisor, or worse yet, out of a job. One facet of the art of challenging the process is the HOW and WHERE you do it. For example, you can't go around bulldozing the organization publicly, and expect to have leverage with your direct supervisor/boss privately. 

    The idea of challenging the process comes from the book, The Leadership Challenge, by Kouzes and Posner. Leaders must challenge the process precisely, because any system will unconsciously conspire to maintain the status quo and prevent change. Organizational systems by nature restrict change. EVERY SYSTEM AT ONE TIME WILL NEED TO BE CHALLENGED AND CHANGE. 

    When leaders challenge the status quo in their organization you will ALWAYS run up against resistance.  In light of such resistance, leaders have to be able to continue to search for opportunities to challenge and change the status quo. Another challenge (in challenging the process) is to look for creative and innovative ways to improve the organization or department that you are invested in. However, once you take the risk and attempt to experiment with creative and innovative change ideas, mistakes and failures may follow. But, that is when we must accept those inevitable disappointments as leaning opportunities. 

Question for TOP-LEADERS:  Do you have an environment set-up in your organization or department for people on your team to challenge the process or challenge your current organizational system? 

Highlights of Andy Stanley's concept of Challenging The Process with his team:

• What leaders on the team should know about challenging the process? The mission and vision is permanant, but our model/programming is temporary (This should be communicated by the top-leader). 
• What leaders on the team should do? Be a raving fan publically about the vision, mission, and model(show unified front). However, be an honest critique privately, and challenge the process about our model/programming(challenge they 'why' behind the 'what')...people can often get this confused. 
• In a changing world, familiar is no measure of effectiveness. And the status quo is no benchmark for long-term achievement. That's why the world needs leaders to venture boldly into the unfamiliar and to embrace the uncomfortable–because the best solutions are often found in unfamiliar, uncomfortable places.
• The instinct to challenge the process is a fundamental quality of every leader. When God created leaders, he equipped them with an unsettling urge to unpack, undo and unearth methods. This explains your tendency to question everything around you.

Well a few things. If we are the boss, then:

1. Continue to challenge the process yourself.
2. Reinvent yourself.
3. Encourage your workgroup, the leaders under you, to challenge your processes.
4. Train them on how to properly challenge a process.
5. Reproduce yourself in them in this manner.
6. Engage in healthy debate not allowing yourself to be angry.

If we are not the boss, then:

1. Learn how to challenge the process & challenge everything.
2. Bounce your ideas off your colleagues and/or those in your discipline (through Twitter, Social Networks, Conferences, etc) depending on the security of the information.
3. Come up with a strategy to educate the right people.
4. Execute the strategy expecting resistance.

So are you challenging the process? 

 

5 Disturbing Leadership Quotes

 
I was just listening to (AGAIN) Andy Stanley’s DVD talk, Random Thoughts On Leadership…great talk! It’s a leadership talk that has bothered me (in a good way) in my consciousness for the past year now.  The leadership gist for this leadership talk was Andy Stanley took 5 memorable quotes that had affected his thinking in leadership and impacted organizational life at North Point Community Church.  the quotes are challenging and the leadership talk is a great resource for leaders.

Here are Andy’s 5 quotes he used (put them in your office and meeting rooms—discuss them, wrestle with them, and allow them to challenge and change the process of your thinking)

What No One Else is Doing: “To reach people no one else is reaching we must do things no one else is doing.” Craig Groeschel, Senior Pastor, LifeChurch.tv

Become a Student: “The next generation product almost never comes from the previous generation.” - Al Ries, Focus: The Future of Your Company Depends on It

Breaking Paradigms: “What do I believe is impossible to do in my field but if it could be done would fundamentally change my business?”  Joel Barker,  Paradigms: The Business of Discovering the Future

Assumptions: “If we got kicked out and the board brought in a new CEO, what would he do?  Why shouldn’t we walk out, come back in and do it ourselves?”  Andy Grove, Former CEO, INTEL

When Memories Exceed Your Dreams:  “When your memories exceed your dreams the end is near.”  Chuck Bentley, President of Crown Ministries

 

 

Jack on winning leadership.

Jack Welch, in his book, Winning, talks about eight essential things for leaders to do. 

1. Leaders relentless upgrade their team, using every encounter as an opportunity to evaluate, coach, and build self-confidence. 
2. Leaders make sure people not only see the vision, they live and breath it. 
3. Leaders get into everyone's skin, exuding positive energy and optimism. 
4. Leaders establish trust with candor and transparency. 
5. Leaders have the courage to make unpopular decisions and gut calls.
6. Leaders probe and push with a curiosity that borders on skepticism, making sure their questions are answered with action.
7. Leaders inspire risk taking and learning by setting the example. 
8. Leaders celebrate the win.

Does your planning stink?

A great question was asked to me recently, "Do you make a plan before you make a move?" The discussion came from a conversation about the navigational abilities of leaders within organizations/churches.  

One of the most challenging tasks of a leader is to navigate people through the process of an organizations vision and mission.  Having the ability to lead and guide people to fulfill the vision of the organization is a most challenging task for a leader.

Help Navigational-Leadership Tools:

1. Identify with the vision.  Let the vision and mission become a part of you.
2. Spend time in prayer and devotion.  Allow your soul to be guided, not just you head.
3. Don't move forward if you don't have buy-in from the people.
4. Approach key leaders.  Select and approach key people to help you on the journey.
5. Asses the situation regularly.  Assessing and reflecting regularly is key in successful navigation.
6. Meet with key influencer's regularly and cast vision.  Vision leaks, cast vision consistently.
7. Encourage the people regularly.  People who help you on the journey need encouragement.
8. Continue to reorganize key people and make sure they are in their "sweet-spot" or "giftings" as they help you fulfill the vision.

What burdens you?

In his book, The 21 Most Powerful Minutes in a Leader's Life, John Maxwell (one of my book-mentors) shares about the power of having a burden.  Many times people don't discover their purpose in life until they have been confronted with a burden.  Many times burden's precede the vision for your leadership.  Having godly burdens in your life can have positive effects: purifies motives, cultivates persistence, and cements conviction.

"Lots of worthwhile activities clamor for a leader's attention.  But a need is not necessarily a call.  A burden helps a leader KNOW that he/she must take on a task." 

When people have a godly burden, you usually experience particular emotions.  Take a look a these questions:

• Does a person or a project constantly come to mind as a concern?
• Do you seen unable to escape the need of this concern?
• Are you constantly trying to challenge others to be concerned for this person or project?
• Do you migrate to books, or people that focus on your concern?
• Do you repeatedly give time and resources ti net this particular need?
• Do you have gifts and abilities to meet the need associated with this concern?
• Does you concern increase or decrease with time?