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The Strings of People-Pleasing

People-please-rs “want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D. 

The Apostle Paul dealt with the challenge of becoming a people-pleaser, he said, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." 

The challenge to shed our need to "people please" will be a catalyst for many of us, in the pursuit of finding our "true selves." Finding our true selves strikes at the core of true spirituality. Many of us have no idea who we really are, and in return feel very "un-spiritual," because we have spent our lives trying to please others.  

People pleasing is exhausting! It can feel crushing at times! We spend our lives not wanting to disappoint those around us, and in return we internally burnout.  

Anyone in leadership who engages in a life of people-pleasing will not last long emotionally or spiritually. However, it's the temptation every leader goes through at some point on the journey. When we submit to this temptation of becoming man-pleasers, we end up hallow on the inside, and not living in our own soul. 

Jesus knew what is was like to feel the pressure from the expectations of others.  In living faithfully to his true self, however, Jesus disappointed a lot of people. Jesus knew who he was, and what he was here to do in his mission. Jesus remained faithful to the Father, and not to the expectations of others.

Jesus, living in his self (taken from the book, Daily Office, by Peter Scazzero)

• He disappointed his family to the point where his mother and siblings woundered if he was out of his mind (Mark 3:21). 

• He disappointed the people he grew up with in Nazareth. When Jesus declared who he really was - the Messiah - they tried to throw him off a cliff (Luke 4:28-29).

• He disappointed his closest friends, the 12 disciples. The projected things onto him about what they wanted him to do and be. When he failed to meet their expectations they quit on him.

• He disappointed the crowds who followed him. They wanted an earthly Messiah who would feed them, fix all there problems, overthrow the Roman oppressors, work miracles, and give inspiring sermons. They walked away from him.

• He disappointed the religious leaders. 

What might be one specific way that you give in to the expectations of others rather than be faithful to what Jesus has for you? 

The search for who I really am...

There are many meaningful and deep questions in life to answer. One of those "deep" questions is this, Who is my true self? 

The pursuit to find meaning in what I do  has confused my understanding of who I really am. The pursuit of recognition, status, popularity, and success has a way of enhancing, once again, what I do...not who I am.

Confession Time: I have found that pastors, clergy, and ministers have a way of hiding their true selves. How? Through their performance of ministry. Pastors can construct an identity tthrough sermons, books, storytelling, and upfront leadership. The more pastors invest in ministry success, the more the true self becomes an impostor (Thanks Brennan Manning). You take away a pastors pulpit, counseling chair, board room chair, and he has no idea who he really is (trust me, it happens more than you think). 

For the last eight years or so, I have journeyed on the path of emotionally healthy spirituality. As I walk this new path of grace, and deal with issues of my past, I find myself becoming internally healthier and discovering who I am (the good, bad, and ugly).

Walking this path has allowed me to deal with who I really am, and deal with my issues. In return, I started to see the false-self which caused me to live in a delusion.  For example, as I find my true self, I don't live in this delusion of needing to be needed and liked by everyone. I also find myself not looking for everyone to pat me on the back, recognize me, thank me, approve me, love me, like me, be my friend, and agree with me...so refreshing to walk away from codependency! 

As Brennan Manning says, "Our false self stubbornly brings each of us to the light and truth of our own emptiness and hollowness. We cannot acknowledge the (pain) and darkness within...we have built life around achievements, success, busyness, and self-centered activities that bring gratification and praise from others...it is the nature of the false self to save us from knowing the truth of our real selves."

There are many people who refuse to be our true self with God-and others. There result is living in this kind of posture for a perid of time is dangerous.   Then we wonder why we lack intimacy with God and others...we become hallow people...searching for acceptance, approval, and love, but never finding it! 

I'm still on the journey...how about you? 

Back to Blogging!

I have served the Lord for 19 years.  I had a profound conversion in February of 1992 in a small African-America church in North Minneapolis. That is the moment God called me to stop hiding, and come openly to Him with all my dysfunction, prejudice, emotional unhealthiness, and sin.  

That moment of conversion was the start of one of my deepest realities. The reality that God was a God of grace, and is relentless in his tenderness, compassion, and mercy...and He was pursuing me, in spite of me! 

Looking back, I reflect how God has taken his time with me in the secret place (Psalm 91)...the secret place is a safe place with God.  The secret place is a place where God takes an individual and puts them on a journey of change and transformation (Rom. 8:29). God's agenda: to conform us into the image of His Son (this process lasts a lifetime). 

What is He transforming in me? 

Accepting the Brokenness and Emotional Wounds in My Human Condition: Spiritual authors conclude this is when we stop living in denial of our past hurts, and start to accept the wounded self. Through the acceptance of the wounded self is when begin the journey of emotional healthy spirituality. This is where we accept that God loves who we really are---whether we like it or not! 

Negative Self-Image: In my 20's I realized that my self-image was very low. Low self-esteem isn't something men talk about with other men (Example: "Hey man, whuz up?" "Nothing dude! How are you?" "Cool, cool...well, not really, I'm feeling pretty low in my self-esteem today"). There were times in my childhood and teenage years where I felt inferior, inadequate, and deep sense of worthlessness.  I carried those feelings of deep self-rejection into my adulthood. 

I felt I was a genus at covering up feelings of inferiority, inadequacies, and low self-esteem. The danger of having these feelings over a long period of time is that we can easily project onto God our own feelings and attitudes toward ourselves. 

Bill Pascal said, "God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment. Thus, if we feel hateful toward ourselves, we assume that God feels hateful toward us." 

My Mission: I feel it is my job to walk this earth as a WOUNDED HEALER! It is my mission to use authentic human connection to empower human development. I do this first by identifying, understanding, and connecting with my own story of pain and soul wounds.  And as God shows hope to me, heals me, and helps me carry those wounds, in return, I can be used to help others find faith, hope, and healing. 

Deitrick Bonhoeffer said, "when we dare to live as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to Jesus." The Wounded Healer implies that grace and healing are communicated through vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life (Brennan Manning). 

Learning to Love Well: Simply, accepting myself as beloved child of God.  As I'm learning to accept God's love, I'm learning to love myself. And my hope is to love others well for the rest of my life.  

 

 

My Story & The Orchard

I was asked to give my story by my good friend, Scott Hodge, pastor of The Orchard Community.  My wife and I had such a wonderful experience.  The people at The Orchard ROCK! 

I gave my story about pain and hope. The essence of my story had to do with emotionally healthy spirituality - how do we find meaning and hope in the midst of pain. 

My outline was simple:

1. What is your pain?
2. Do you want to get well? 
3. Is there hope? 

Thank you Scott, Amanda, and the people at The Orchard. 

Creative Coaching Moment: Ask Better Questions

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power in asking better questions. Meaning, learn how to ask better questions to get more effective results.

Thinking is asking and answering questions. If you want better answers from you're spouse, family, supervisor, those you lead, then learn to ask better questions.

For example, take control of your question and answering process by asking empowering questions. Don’t ask “why” question (e.g. why can’t I do this?), ask “how” questions (e.g. how can I do this?) Ask happy questions or inspiring questions.

Another example use precision and ask precisely instead of generalizing or abstracting.

The Charlie Brown Complex: Lack of Confidence.

How many people do you know that are suffer from the Charlie Brown Complex? 

And so the phrase Charlie Brown complex has been coined to refer to the lack of confidence in oneself. Which in turn lead to lack of contentment with self.

It always seemed that good ol' Charlie Brown could do nothing right...and he knew it, and believed that about himself deeply. Charlie Brown's lack of confidence in himself became his mantra. It didn't matter if it was doing a homework project, pitching in a baseball game, or trying to to kick that football, more times than not, he believed he was doomed to fail.

How many of us take on the same complex that Charlie Brown did...lack of confidence in yourself.

Leadership specialist, John Maxwell, states, "If there is one quality that would make you successful in motivating people or convincing people to follow your lead, that trait would be authentic confidence." 

Have you ever been confronted with low self-confidence? I think every one has at one time or another. 

I have found it is possible for a person to know where they are going, yet lack the self-confidence to convince others to follow along. Leaders who consistently lack confidence, in my observation, will not last long in leadership.

It has been said that, self-confidence carries a conviction; it makes others believe in us. A good leader with confidence has the ability to bring out positive changes in people. But what if you don't have much confidence in yourself, but desire to become more of a confident person. What do you do?  How can you become confident? 

Six steps to developing confidence (taken from Be a People Person, by John Maxwell):

1. Establish your worth according to God's value system. 
2. Focus on God and not your situation. 
3. Develop friendships with confident people (birds of a feather...)
4. Put a few wins under your belt. 
5. Find one thing you're good at and then specialize until you are special.
6. Begin to develop a knowledge of people and product (good people skills + competency = confidence). 

 

 

What would Tony Soprano say to Church Leaders?

Once every year my wife and I do a Sopranos marathon video rental. I know, I know, graphic violence, etc, etc. etc....and pastor's shouldn't watch stuff like that.  But, the show is well written and extremely well acted. 

What is so interesting to me about The Sapranos is watching Tony's journey to be emotionally healthy as a leader. Tony Soprano is confronted with the fact that if he doesn't get help for the negative emotional issues in his life, he might lose his marriage, physically die, or at the very least, the organization he leads will ultimately fall apart. It has been said, "As goes the leader, so goes the organization."

What might Mr. Tony Soprano say to Mr. church leader? Well he might say something like this, "Get your emotional *!&@*@!! together before you hurt the family business" (Well, what did you expect-Ward Cleaver).  

Many pastors have hurt the "family business" (the church) due to the neglect of engaging their emotional unhealthy issues.  Many pastoral leaders deny that anything unhealthy might even exist at all.  In return, those kind of pastors end up attracting emotionally unhealthy congregations in the long run and end up hurting the family business. 

Peter Scazzero, in his book,The Emotionally Healthy Church, says, "We cannot grow an emotionally healthy church if we ourselves are not addressing issues beneath the surface of our lives." As goes the leader, so goes the church.

 

FOUR BIG WAYS to build your INFLUENCE INDEX:

1. Commit yourself to becoming a WORLD-CLASS ENCOURAGER. This is the most basic of all principles in relationship skills for leaders.

2. Practice the five basic steps to PERSONAL CHARISMA.

• Learn people's names quickly.
• Be more interested in making people feel good about themselves, than making people fell good about you. 
• Smile much and live with a positive attitude.
• Listen more than you talk. 
• Share the credit and praise. 

3. Master your trade and INCREASE your PRODUCTIVITY. 

• Does my work play to my strengths?
• Do others recognize my success?
• Do I have an "extra-mile-whatever it takes attitude?"
• Am I growing and getting better?
• Are others enjoying and benefiting from my success? 

4. INVEST your life into DEVELOPING PEOPLE around you and closest to you.Creating a climate or environment for potential leaders to blossom around you is essential. This is essential for anyone who desire to increase their influence. 

• Identify your key people and invest your efforts and energy into them.
• Nurture your key people and care about their success. 
• Equip your key people and build their competencies. 
• Develop key people and invest in their growth. 

 

 

What is your definition of leadership?

What do people in your organization buy into as the definition of leadership? Isn't there plenty of definitions, misconceptions, and myths that people embrace about leaders and leadership? 

Fifteen years ago, John Maxwell taught me in The Law of Influence that, "leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less." I have embraced this definition of leadership for some time. Leadership is the ability to obtain followers.  Therefore, a leader must work on that ability of becoming a person of influence that others willfully follow.

One of the misunderstandings people have about leadership is that want to think it is based on position. Positional leadership is more about rights and titles. Leaders who uses their title as a right to lead will eventually, overtime, fall flat in their leadership.

 Like William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson in Braveheart) said, "Men don't follow titles, they follow courage."  That quote speaks volume. Leadership titles don not necessarely make you a leader. 

Influential leadership really has more to do with relational than positional. Positional leaders, John Maxwell points out, do not generally stoop to help others; relational leaders do. Relational leaders are intent on finding ways to increase their influence index (developing, equipping, empowering, mentoring, and discipling). Relationships are 85% of leadership, therefore, elational leaders are focused and intent of the process of developing people (People Development).

Developing a passion for people development and building strong relationship skills are marks of RELATIONAL LEADERS. Relational leaders understand that by serving, developing and empowering people, that this alone will increase their influence with people.  

Do You Influence People With an Enchanting Smile?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just finished a book, entitled, Enchantment: The Art of Changing Hearts, Minds, and Actions.  This was written by Guy Kawasaki, business guru, twitter king, cofounder of ALLTOP.COM, and former chief evangelist of Apple (you gotta dig the title "chief evangelist"). 

Enchantment has everything to do with how to positively influence what people will do while maintaining a high standard of ethics.  

Enchantment has a similar VIBE of Dale Carnegie's, How to Win Friends, and Influence People. Kawasaki does a masterful job explaining when and why enchantment is necessary and outlines the pillars of enchantment: likability, trustworthiness, and a great cause.

In chapter 2, entitled, How to Achieve Likability. Likability is a most important quality to have, because "jerks seldom enchant people." The ability to lead and implement a great idea, cause, or company that influences people, one must have a certain amount of likability.

Kawasaki gives FOUR factors that will enhance your likability: your smile, your dress, your handshake, and your vocabulary. 

Think about the first factor for a moment: SMILING. What does it cost to smile? Nothing. What does it cost not to smile? Everything, if it prevents you from connecting with people and making an impact on them.

Kawasaki notes, "While smiling sends a very clear message about your state of mind, not smiling creates an opening for many interpretations, including grumpiness, aloofness, and anger--none of which helps you enchant people." 

 Keys thoughts about business, enchanting, and smiling:

• Do you like to do business with grumpy people? Neither do I. 
• Learn to think good thoughts.
• If you're grumpy inside, it's hard to have a smile that lights up a room.
• Fake smiling doesn't get noticed. 
• A great smile uses the orbicularis oculi muscle. This muscle surrounds your eyes (it makes you squint and makes you get crow's feet).
• Keep your teeth clean. Good breath helps too. 
• A real smile is so special that it has its own name: the Duchenne smile, in honor of Guillaume Duchenne, a Frech neurologist. 
• Smiles increase physical attractiveness.